"The Definition of Insanity is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results" - Albert Einstein

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Q: Why are Candy Canes Shaped the Way They Are?

Despite popular belief, I am actually not perfect. Yes, it is true, I did get a perfect GPA this quarter, and I've been told I'm an excellent balance of brains and beauty, but I'm not one to brag, and while the 4.0 is true, the second statement is possibly a gross exaggeration.

There are many traits about myself that I would deem as less than perfect.
1. I have a tendency to trash talk when I have no business doing so.
2. I rarely exercise and I don't eat healthily enough for that to not be a problem.
3. I tend to make lists when they are unnecessary.
4. I use humor to deal with my emotional failings in usually inappropriate circumstances.
5. I'm scatterbrained and I get off topic easily.

I could go on with my inadequacies, but this blog really only pertains to the first line item. I have a tendency to trash talk when I have no business doing so. This is usually only a problem when it pertains to sporting events and my personal athletic abilities, but recently this epidemic plagued my life in a new and exciting way.

A few days ago, my friend Mark (whose name has not been changed, despite requests it be left out of this blog, but I'm about telling my slanted version of the truth, and in this post, he's relevant) decided after reading some of my blog posts that he could be my blog manager. Which is great I guess because I've never had one, and because there's no money in it, so I'd never have to pay him, or give him a cut of any profits. And Mark has been giving me blog prompt ideas in hopes that I will blog more often, because he's my manager, and probably because he secretly likes reading them.

Anyway, today, Mark got all on my case because there wasn't a new blog post to read. And I explained to him that it's not everyday that exciting stuff happens to me, and that I don't usually blog about my average day to day encounters. And then he said,

"As a writer, you should find excitement in everything you do and see."

And I couldn't just take that remark lying down, so of course I said in response,

"Dude, I could write a blog post about anything and make it interesting."

So that's where I made mistake number one. And yes, I realize this was a stupid thing to say, because I am not Chuck Klosterman or David Sedaris, so I probably can't write a blog post about anything and make it interesting. In fact, I'm sure there are ton's of things I could never write a blog post about and make interesting. Tax Brackets come to mind immediately. And also spoons, but I'm getting off topic.

And of course now that I've committed to being able to write a blog post about anything, Mark is all like "Well you better do it" and I'm like "Well just give me a topic and I will!" and so then he says,

"Write about why candy canes are shaped the way they are."

So that's how I got myself into the mess that I'm in right now. My first inclination is to look up why candy canes are shaped the way that they are, but I'm too lazy right now and I honestly don't care. Instead, I'll just make something up and present it as fact.

Q: Why are Candy Canes Shaped the Way They Are?
A: Candy Canes are shaped like actual canes that elderly folks with poor balance use to walk around easier. Clearly, this is because they function as actual canes, as well as Christmastime sugary treats meant to delight the taste buds. I naturally assume that candy canes can only be shaped the way they are to serve as canes for fragile Gingerbread Men. It can't be easy having to walk around on legs made of flour, eggs, and a chemical reaction. And since Gingerbread Men can't bend over without crumbling to pieces, it seems to me that mobility for them would be extremely limited for them without some sort of support system. And since I can't think of any Christmas candies that are shaped like wheelchairs, Gingerbread Men must use candy canes to get around easier. Hence why the candy cane is shaped the way it is.


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